I first heard the audible voice of God at 12 years old. I can recall it vividly, every detail of that moment. I was walking back from our barn after taking meat out of our big freezers. It was a warm day, and I was barefoot on our granite driveway. Then suddenly from above, or around or someplace, I heard my name. It was loud, deep, and I KNEW it was God's voice.
I knew the story of Samuel, where he woke hearing his name three times. Every time he ran to Eli asking if he had called. By the third time, Eli figured it out and said these words,
“So Eli said to Samuel, “Go, lie down, and it shall be that if He calls you, you shall say, ‘Speak, LORD, for Your servant is listening.’ ” So Samuel went and lay down in his place.”
1 Samuel 3:9 AMP
So that’s what I did. I looked up in the sky and said, Speak Lord, your servant heareth. And yes, I said it in Elizabethan because that was how I heard it from the KJV.
Then I heard a verse spoke. I ran to the house and opened the giant coffee table bible. You know the ones that everyone had that weighed about 30 lbs.
You see, I was an awkward girl, crooked teeth, wild hair, a tomboy through and through, and I struggled, with jealousy, I just didnt know its name. My friends had beautiful long hair. Straight teeth, and super cute clothes. So in my mind, they were better than me. I felt jealous of my friend’s mom, who sewed her clothes, made homemade bread, and was an at home mommy. I felt jealous of other kids when teachers favored them. I had an enemy to my soul, but I didn't know what to call it.
I know you’re probably thinking, "that emotion is normal for a young, award girl, who’s boobs looked like anthills and hands had calluses from working on the farm," However, I knew in my young adolescent heart, Jesus was warning me of the poison of jealousy because it was eating away at me. and my tolerance of own self existence.
I don’t remember the verse; I remember His message. It was an impression, an understanding, a revelation of what envy was doing to me.
At twelve, I got it. I didn’t question it. I didn’t talk myself out of what I heard. And I didn’t share it. I knew it was my word.
If you know me at all, you will see that I am not a jealous person. I have zero suspicion of my husband, and I do not compare myself with others. I am confident in my skin. I don’t think I am better. I just know I enough.
Did this character development happen suddenly? No.
For the next three years, I struggled with a self-hate that came straight from the pit. But that is for another day and another voice I heard.